Tom DeLay Go Away....RESURRECTED!!!
Like all divine concepts, my blog, after popular demand (mostly from my DCCC friends) has been resurrected! God speaks to me, much like he speaks to W. He called me up last night and said "Kelly, thou needest resurrect thy blog sending Tom DeLay away. He needest be cast out of the Beltway for unethical behavior. Plus he has the 10 Commandments in his office, which is a decorating no-no if you are a religious hypocrite. The Fab Five told me that one."

Quite a bit has happened since the last posting of almost 6 months ago. Tom DeLay has been brought up on ethics charges - much to the glee of many-o-law abiding Congress people. I knew that if we, the loyal DCCCers who worked tirelessly in Texas, kept the faith, Tom DeLay would eventually go away (see previous blog: www.tomdelaygoaway.blogspot.com).

He took his family on vacations to sweatshops (the Mariana Islands) courtesy of Jack Abramoff, nortorious K Street crook. He traveled the world on a high-powered lobbyist's credit card. Maybe Abramoff was the one who put a posting on Craig's List advertising the need for a younger male travel companion, for whom he would pay all expenses, if only the man would travel around the world with him. And now that the posting was deleted, maybe Tom answered Jack's call. I believe this gives new meaning to the term "Majority Whip" (Tom's old job title).

What goes around comes around, Tom... But you're evangelical and don't believe in Karma....So does this mean you are incurring the wrath of God?
- posted by CosmoChica @ 6:34 AM 1 comments

 
The Bush Who "Won" the Election
The Bush Who "Won" the Election
By Kelly Thompson with a little help from Doctor Seuss

Every Progressive inside the Beltway liked elections a lot,
But the Bush who lived in the White House did not.

The Bush hated elections!
The whole election idea!
Now please ask why, as the country would like to know the reason.
It could be perhaps his Rove advised him via propaganda from the right,
It could be perhaps his underwear was too tight,
But I think the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his brain was two sizes two small.

But whatever the reason,
His brain or his underwear,
He stood there on Election Eve hating the Progressives!
Staring down from Cheney’s Cave with a sour, Bushie frown,
At the kind-hearted Progressives that filled the town.
For every Progressive inside the Beltway beneath,
Was busy watching drag queens sing merrily through their teeth!

“And they’re mixing with the gays!” he snarled with a sneer.
“Tomorrow is Election Day, it’s practically here!”
Then he fumbled with his girly fingers, nervously fumbling.
The Rove told the Bush “you must find a way to stop the Progressives from voting!”

For tomorrow her knew all the Progressive women and men.
And they’d wake up bright and early and rush for the voter booth!
And then the activism! Oh the acitivism! Activism, activism, activism!
That’s the one thing he hated – activism! Activism! Activism!

And the Progressives, gay and straight, would sit down to a debate.
And they would debate! Debate, debate, debate!
They would start with gay rights, and a woman’s right to choose,
Which is something the Bush would want gays and women to loose.

And then,
They’d do something he’s like least of all!
Every Progressive in the Beltway, the gay and the straight,
Would stand close together with protest signs waving!
They would stand hand in hand and the Progressives would start chanting!

They’d chant! And they’d chant!
And they’d chant! Chant! Chant! Chant!
And the more the Rove told the Bush of the Progressive sign waving,
The more the Bush thought “I must stop this whole thing!”
“Why, I’ve never had a fair national election, until now!
I must stop the Progressives from winning!
But how?”

Then the Rove gave the Bush an idea!
A divisive idea!
The Rove gave the Bush
A divisively awful idea!

“The Religious Right knows just what to do!” the Bush laughed in his throat.
And the Bush made a quick grab for his Bible and Air National Guard coat.
And he choked and he hiccupped “What a Bushie trick!”
“With this Bible and uniform, I look just like the average hick!”

“All I need is a real man….”
The Bush looked around.
But since real men are scarce in the White House, there were none to be found.
Did that stop the old Bush?
No! The Bush simply said:
“If I can’t find a real man, I’ll use Tom DeLay instead!”
So he called Tom DeLay and took some advice on misleading,
Which was readily given because Tom DeLay was already cheating.

Then he loaded up his campaign chest,
And some self-rightious creeps,
Into the back of his Hummer,
Where all the oil tycoons blissfully sleep.

The Bush said “Bring ‘em on!”
And the Hummer started on cue
Toward the homes of the Progressives,
Who were in-line at the multi-cultural, fair election bar-b-que.

All the Progressives were talking, day-dreaming about the day,
When all the Republicans would be forced to leave the Beltway.
He arrived at the first place where Progressives aren’t political,
The First Baptist Church, because DeLay said it was critical.
He conducted a sermon based on inequality, making the church seem hypocritical.

He then snorted some coke, to prepare for the long day,
Then walked into a Sunday school room where he saw Ken Lay.
Lay had passed out brochures to all the little kids without any hitch,
To inform of how invading Iraq was good because it made he and his friends rich.
The Bush said “The kids, the opinions that they have in their minds,
“Are the first that must go, that’s why I created ‘No Child Left Behind.”

He slithered and slouched, with a smile most deceitful,
Around the whole room, where he told every kid:
“Why, if your parents vote for me, with taxes they’ll be rid!
No more crackwhores, brown immigrants and welfare moms,
No more homosexuals, social security and poor old bums!”
He then stood there watching the confusion on their faces,
Unbeknownst to him, a child was tying together his shoe-laces.

Familiar with the look that the children gave him,
For it was the same look he saw in the mirror.
Lay sensed in the room, a feeling of grim
And quickly told the children “Oh, but listen to him!”

Then Lay rolled up his sleeves and smiled with glee,
“Why if you mum and dad put Bush in,
I’ll definitely get off Scott-free!”

And the Bush grabbed his Bible and started to shove,
When he heard a loud scream, as if Michael Jackson lost his glove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Progressive!!!
Little Hillary Truman, who looked quite aggressive!

The Bush had been caught by this little Progressive daughter,
Who had risen from her desk to tell Bush that he is in hot water.
She stared at the Bush and said “Bush, why?
Why are you making the election go this way, WHY?”

But you know that old Bush was so dumb and nothing would click,
So DeLay burst in the room and fed him a lie, and fed it to him quick.
“Why cute little Hillary,” the puppet Bush lied,
“God wants the election to go this way, He just told me outside.
“So my Pioneers listen, and give me more money, my dear,
“They’ll fix it right up so I can live in the White House next year.”

His fib didn’t fool the child, as she turned to her Sunday school class,
Then the Bush tried to walk out, but he landed on his ass.
The kids laughed, and Hillary walked back to her seat,
As the Bush untied the tied laces and stumbled to his feet.

The last thing he said was
“I’m going to win. The election is mine.
“I have the CEO of Diebold voting machines on my side.”
With that, Bush, Lay and DeLay, left feeling fine.

And with one last wave,
He left the church in his Hummer,
He counted how much the congregation gave.

Then he did the same thing,
In other churches
And rich peoples houses,

Collecting so much money,
He could pay off all the louses.

On Election Day, it was a quarter past dawn…
All the Progressives still in headquarters,
Pondering the best spots to loiter.
The Bush packed up his Hummer,
Packed it up with CEOs, oil men and money!
And enough kickbacks to make Laura say “Oh honey!”

Three-thousand feet up! Almost to Cheney’s Cave,
He put the Hummer in park to show Rove and Cheney what others gave.
“Ha! Ha! Those Progressives!”, he was Bush-ish-ly laughing.
“They’re finding out now that their victory isn’t coming!”
“They’re just leaving headquarters! I know just what they’ll do!
“They tried to vote for Kerry, but Bush will appear times two!
“Then all the liberal whiners will cry BOO-HOO!”

“That’s a noise,” grinned the Rove,
“That I simply must hear.”
Bush, Rove, Lay and DeLay had the blackberries near,
And they did receive updates, coming in loud and clear….
But it was not the whining they expected to hear!

The Progressives were mobilizing for two-thousand and eight!
Not whining about the results, but unwilling wait!
This sound wasn’t whiney or sad,
This sound sounded like Progressives who were mad!

The Bush and friends stared down at the Beltway,
He looked as though he was going to cry!
Then he looked at his cronies,
What a shocking surprise!

Every Progressive in the country,
The religious and not,
Gathered inside the Beltway,
To show a battle would be fought!

The Bush hadn’t caused the Progressives to give-up,
They decided to fight fair and free, all the way,
Until the very next Election Day!

And the Bush, with his Hummer stuck in the snow,
Stared blankly at Rove and said “How could this be so?
“They came without money! They came without SUVS!
“They came promoting condom use to prevent STDs!”
And he thought for three minutes, but was unable to think any more.
The Rove told the Bush something he hadn’t before,
“Fighting fair and strong is what the Progressives do best,
“That is something we can’t accomplish with our war chest.”

And what happened then?
Well in the Beltway they say,
That the White House moral,
Shrunk three sizes that day.
And in a minute, his second term didn’t seem so easy,
As the thought of those fighting Progressives made him queasy.
He tried to fight fair, but it was not his style,
So he could only resort to being verbally hostile.

And he, the Bush himself said,
The only thing he could think of saying….
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." - (Washington, D.C., August 5, 2004 – Bushisms at http://slate.msn.com/id/76886/)

- posted by CosmoChica @ 11:02 AM 1 comments

 
Technology: Friend or Foe?
Do the people of this country not read the news because they follow W's lead so closely they believe the Bible is the only news they need? If they read the news, they would know the following, which was printed today in the Christian Science Monitor (www.csmonitor.com):

• In Ohio, the state election commission has voted to allow a recount - and the Green and Libertarian parties have promised to fund it.
• In Texas, poll workers had to ship an electronic ballot box to Canada to "unfreeze" a file of votes.
• In Montana, control of the house still hangs in the balance, with a mere 2,000-vote margin now being debated and recounted.
• In Iowa, a poll supervisor had to drive hundreds of miles to find a working counting machine. Worse, the state didn't accept a federal absentee ballot for military personnel, which meant that some Iowans fighting in Iraq were not able to vote.
• And in Florida's Broward County, among other places, some voters said that when they voted for Sen. John Kerry, President Bush appeared on the screen instead. Yet charges that Mr. Bush simply couldn't have won in some areas were dispelled by media research showing that many of those who were expected to vote Democratic actually chose Bush.

The election was over a MONTH AGO. Wakey wakey - eggs and bakey!

Blind faith is the name of the game in this country. As we put blind faith in religion, we also put blind faith in technology. A healthy amount of skepticism is great in both areas to ensure progress for out great nation.

The night is short so I shall not descend into a diatribe as to why healthy skepticism for an imbecile raised by Pappy and Thyroid Mary is extremely important.

- posted by CosmoChica @ 6:26 PM 0 comments

 
It smells like someone is Putin...
But luckily, they took some Pepto and all is turning around for Ukraine.
I love a good story about grassroots democracy taking shape and recent developments in Ukraine are a great example of this. It shows that perseverance pays off - take note United States. These people have amazing resolve - they braved bitter cold, every day, all day and demanded democracy. Their Supreme Court, while being threatened by Putin and his nasty cronies, declared the election held in November to be invalid. At least their Supreme Court can get it right. Now a new election will be taking place on December 26. Now that is a day-after-Christmas sale if I've ever heard of one! You will be lucky to have the inside scoop on said election since my dear friend will be monitoring it. The man who will likely be their next president is Victor Yushchenko - no, he was not a figure skater or a gymnast. He was the opposition leader in the parliament.
More to come as I am making up for loss time....

- posted by CosmoChica @ 5:59 PM 0 comments

 
W is having another bout of fuzzy math....
So if I'm a "tax and spend" liberal, what does that make conservatives? "Cut taxes and spend" conservatives? That lable for us liberals fell apart a few years ago. W seems to be assigning loads of homework in Fuzzy Math 101 to the Republican congressional members.
Here is a word problem:
If the US is in an $8 trillion dollar defecit, should they get:
a.) cut taxes and increase spending
b.) increase taxes and decrease spending
c.) buy U2 tickets for all the citizens of the US
In Fuzzy Math 101, the correct answer is A, although I wish it were C.

Here, according to today's Washington Post, is some more info Fuzzy Math 101 and the budget:

"Last night, with the federal government warning that it was on the verge of defaulting on its debts, the House rejected efforts to reimpose restrictions on tax cuts and spending, then joined the Senate to raise the federal debt limit by $800 billion, to $8.18 trillion.
With last night's passage of the debt ceiling increase, the government's borrowing limit has climbed by $2.23 trillion since President Bush took office: by $450 billion in 2002, by a record $984 billion in 2003 and by $800 billion this year. Just the increase in the debt ceiling over the past three years is nearly 2 1/2 times the entire federal debt accumulated between 1776 and 1980.
A recession, a sluggish economy and five tax cuts in four years -- coupled with soaring defense spending on wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and rising domestic spending -- have turned record surpluses that Bush inherited into a record deficit of $413 billion in the past fiscal year.
Economists and budget hawks fear that rising deficits are contributing to the steadily declining value of the dollar, which will increase consumer costs, and that those deficits eventually will drive up interest rates and slow the economy."

BRAVO!! BRAVO!! Cut taxes and increase spending! A sensical, magical idea that has brilliance written all over it. Instant gratification is the American way. I'm so thrilled the government endorses it!

- posted by CosmoChica @ 2:27 PM 0 comments

 
Sex, Drugs and Political Polls
During campaigns, passion and the urge to mate is strong. Emotions and adrenaline run at super-human levels. There needs to be an outlet for the adrenaline and emotions: sex, drugs and political polls. The last campaign for which I worked, my team mostly drank and became obsessed with the latest poll. It didn't matter what the poll was, we had to know. Bush - Kerry. Bowles-Burr. Sheriff. Dog-Catcher. Student Council. We had to know!
Along with managing to keep polling data in order in our head, we managed to become functional alcoholics over a three week span. Not healthy, but normal for the campaign life
Other people, however, had more devious ways of letting out their tension. One senior staffer male on the campaign hooked up with at least three fellow staff members. At least two of those encounters involved sex. These staff members were older volunteers on the campaign, so it was not quite as scandalous as it could have been. All parties were willing.
There were also random hook-ups and sex with local people - non-campaign affiliated. I thought people only had bar sex in the movies. Chances are that if you meet someone in a bar and they are willing to sleep with you, they are totally sleazy.
On a more disturbing note, the Field Director, unbeknownst to Washington, slept with the 18 year old paid local workers. Slept may be too nice of a term. I'm tempted to use a stronger word, but I wasn't a fly on the wall. He is in his late thirties, had a pregnant girlfriend (8 months pregnant) who lived out of town. Yet he lured an 18 year old drug user/campaign worker (many of the workers were high school students or drop outs that were paid by the hour) to bed with him by offering her drugs. She was so high, that she laid there while the Dickless Bastard had sex with her. I really really want to use the "R" word. It's so disgusting that I would like to throw-up as I write this.

- posted by CosmoChica @ 7:49 AM 1 comments

 
The Democrats need to eat their Wheaties and spinach
I realize there is a tricky balance of power up there on the Hill. Not only is there a balance between Republicans, whom shall be called the Dirty Bastards, and the Democrats, whom shall be call the Wussy Whiners, but there is a balance within each party between ranking members and new members.
I have a new plan for the Wussy Whiners: forget the balance. Eat your Wheaties and your spinach and fight like you knew how to before Clinton was elected in 1992. Stop being timid. Start being bitchy. Start playing dirty. Politics always has been and always will be a dirty game. The Dirty Bastards re-grouped and began strategizing for the dirty game about 12 years ago. The Wussy Whiners should do the same. Mobilize your "liberal" base. Stop being afraid and start getting pissed. Spend resources on getting out the message that the Dirty Bastards are super dirty. Get off your Ass and start working your Ass off... Donkeys are hard workers.

From the Christian Science Monitor today:
"Meanwhile, the challenge for ascendant Republicans is to avoid overreach. Critics say that Wednesday's House Republican conference vote to change its ethics rules to protect leadership is a step in that direction. "It is ironic that 11 years ago, House Republicans adopted the same rule scrapped today in an effort to draw attention to Democrats' ethical problems," says a statement by Common Cause and Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics."
Santa and I are tight. I have it from good authority that the Dirty Bastards will receive lumps of coal this year while all the Wussy Whiners will receive Wheaties, spinach and the new U2 IPod from Apple.


- posted by CosmoChica @ 7:30 AM 0 comments

 
"And Iran... Iran so far away..."
The US's relationship with Iran is in shambles - much like Flock of Seagulls hair in the 1980s. In 2000, I recommended strengthening diplomatic and economic ties with Russia as a way to ameliorate tensions with Iran. Did anyone listen? N-O. Why Russia you ask? Russia is a key trading partner with Iran. Russia already provides Iran with much of its nuclear power while Iran provides Russia with a substantial amount of oil. An imbecile could figure out why it behooves us to make nice with Russia, but that would explain why W hasn't sought to improve relations. Nukes. No Nukes. Enriched Uranium. No Enriched Uranium. Who the hell knows what is going on! The CIA better get their asses in gear... Ah, J-Lo's ass...nice image...

Aside from our current diplomatic crisis, I feel sorry the state of politics in Iran. You have your Supreme Leader Khamenei, who is appointed by a council of uptight religious freaks, saying and doing radical things and causing a commotion; while at the same time you have your docile President Khatami, who is trying his best to be progressive and act in a way that moves Iran into the 21st century. Khatami may be overruled by Khamenei at any time, even though Khamenei was not elected by the Iranian public. Iran is not a backward state, but rather a state in transition (as far as Middle Eastern states are concerned). Women are allowed to hold elected office, drive, vote, attend university, and even wear jeans. Wearing jeans may not be so important, but when you are in a region where many women are confined to bee-keeper suits (as Bill Maher says), jeans are a big deal.
- posted by CosmoChica @ 8:46 PM 0 comments

 
Texas R.O.U.S. are the worst kind of vermin....
Recently, a plague of the Texas rodents-of-unusual-size has hit the DC area. Texas R.O.U.S., or Ratassicus Asswipeicrus, invaded the DC area a few years ago. The pesticide companies, the DCCC and the DNC were unable to rid the capital area of the vermin.
Please assist with ridding inside the Beltway of the Texas R.O.U.S. Characteristics include: cunning, lying, creepy and answers to the name "Tom DeLay" and sometimes "Asshole". Ways in which you can assist include the following: if you are from his district, write his office a letter telling him that you are disgusted that they are overturning ethics rules so he can stay in power (something the R.O.U.S. is quite accostomed to doing); volunteer with the DCCC in Louisiana to gain more seats for Democrats in house (Democrats are poisonious to the agenda of the power hungry R.O.U.S.) and stay informed. R.O.U.S. hate it when the public is informed.

The Pest Control company, the House Democrats, had this to say about the recent plague:

"Today, Republicans sold their collective soul to maintain their grip on power," said House Minority Whip Steny H. Hoyer (D-Md.). Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) said: "Republicans have reached a new low. It is absolutely mind-boggling that as their first order of business following the elections, House Republicans have lowered the ethical standards for their leaders."

Unless you have a Hitori Hanso sword, it is very difficult to kill vermin.

- posted by CosmoChica @ 9:17 AM 0 comments